When we think of the word compassion, we associate it with the attribute of kindness. Compassion does consist of kindness. However, it also consists of far more. Professor Paul Gilbert (OBE) is a renown clinical psychologist who has made significant contributions to the field of compassionate mental health care. He speaks of compassion as being an antidote to the effects of chronic self-criticism and toxic shame. He describes compassion as a sensitivity to suffering both in ourselves and others and a commitment to alleviating and preventing our own or others suffering. It is also composed of qualities such as wisdom, courage, strength, non-judgement, warmth, tender heartedness, and caring.
Often we associate compassion with something we benevolently offer to others. However, according to Gilbert’s definition, compassion is something we offer to ourselves, too. He says that it can help cultivate peace of mind and promote good mental health.
Compassion for self does not fit well within our ingrained western habit of self-criticism. Our societies are often driven by the importance of productivity, success and consumption, where value is awarded only according to what we do, rather than for who we are. Doing becomes more important than being. Failing an exam, not getting the job, not having a relationship or not progressing in a career, can evolve into a harsh, internal, shame-based self-dialogue which promotes personal suffering.
We often learn to be harshly self-critical early in life, and usually inadvertently, through well-intentioned parents, teachers, friends, relatives and others. We can learn it from the harshness of stories told in the media and on social media. Sadly, religion has at times encouraged harsh and relentless self-criticism too, with an overemphasis on sin and badness rather than human goodness. Our inner-critic often jabs us with words such as not good enough, could do better, you’ve failed, and so forth.
Love and compassion for ourselves is essential to good mental health and emotional flourishing. If we can learn to dialogue with ourselves and others, without attack, blame and besmirching, we heal both ourselves and others. Learning to forgive ourselves for mistakes is fundamental to being self-compassionate. To forgive is to forgo a harsh perception of ourselves or others, and not to magnify it. To forgive ourselves acknowledges our mistakes and wants us to do better, and importantly asks, what have you learned from this? In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus tells his disciples that they are light and salt for the world. Sometimes it can be difficult to recognise our inherent light and beauty in the midst of so much internal and external harshness. But recognising light in ourselves through self-compassion can be a key to transformation.