Compassion And Self Compassion

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Originally written for the Lynn News, Thought for the Day
 
When we think of the word compassion, we associate it with the attribute of kindness. Compassion does consist of kindness. However, it also consists of far more. Professor Paul Gilbert (OBE) is a renown clinical psychologist who has made significant contributions to the field of compassionate mental health care. He speaks of compassion as being an antidote to the effects of chronic self-criticism and toxic shame. He describes compassion as a sensitivity to suffering both in ourselves and others and a commitment to alleviating and preventing our own or others suffering. It is also composed of qualities such as wisdom, courage, strength, non-judgement, warmth, tender heartedness, and caring.
 
Often we associate compassion with something we benevolently offer to others. However, according to Gilbert’s definition, compassion is something we offer to ourselves, too. He says that it can help cultivate peace of mind and promote good mental health.
Compassion for self does not fit well within our ingrained western habit of self-criticism. Our societies are often driven by the importance of productivity, success and consumption. If we believe that we are not perceived by others to be hard working, making a contribution, achieving, or keeping the economy going, then we can feel as though we are valuable only according to what we do, rather than for who we are. Doing becomes more important than being. Failing an exam, not getting the job, not having a relationship or not progressing in a career, can evolve into a harsh, internal, shame based self-dialogue which promotes personal suffering.
 
We often learn to be harshly self-critical early in life, and usually inadvertently, through well-intentioned parents, teachers, friends, relatives and others. We can learn it from the harshness of stories told in the media and on social media. Sadly, religion has at times encouraged harsh and relentless self-criticism too, with an overemphasis on sin and badness rather than human goodness. Our inner-critic often jabs us with words such as not good enough, could do better, you’ve failed, and so forth.
 
Love and compassion for ourselves is essential to good mental health and emotional flourishing. If we can learn to dialogue with ourselves and others, without attack, blame and besmirching, we heal both ourselves and others. Learning to forgive ourselves for mistakes is fundamental to being self-compassionate. To forgive is to forgo a harsh perception of ourselves or others, and not to magnify it. To forgive ourselves acknowledges our mistakes and wants us to do better, and importantly asks, what have you learned from this? In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus tells his disciples that they are light and salt for the world. Sometimes it can be difficult to recognise our inherent light and beauty in the midst of so much internal and external harshness. But recognising light in ourselves through self-compassion can be a key to transformation.

Trauma and Compassion ~ Gabor Mate

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Originally written for the Lynn News, Thought for the Day

The internationally acclaimed medical doctor, Gabor Maté, is a bestselling author, teacher and public speaker whose pioneering compassionate work with people suffering from addictions and their causative underlying traumas, has been a very important voice in the development of global humanitarianism and compassion. Gabor was born in Hungary in 1944 of Jewish parents during the time of the domination of Nazism in Europe. Gabor says he was born into a traumatised world and a traumatised people, and as a result experienced early trauma himself.
 
He emigrated to Canada in 1956, worked as a teacher and then obtained a medical degree and became a physician. In his career, Gabor came to understand that there are a number of issues that need to be addressed in creating a stable, compassionate, healthier and sustainable world. These issues include supporting good nurturing parenting and secure and safe attachments for children in early life; creating better lifestyle and living conditions for people; lowering of stress and anxiety that creates nervous system activation and overwhelm, and teaching people to work with their emotional and psychological scars through a process of compassionate self-inquiry.
Gabor has made the bold assertion that trauma is endemic in human society, negatively impacting upon most of us, and perpetuated by a western materialistic agenda. He considers our current culture and society to be harmful to human good, of which he says:
 
…Illness in this society, physical or mental, they are not abnormalities. They are normal responses to an abnormal culture. This culture is abnormal when it comes to real human needs. And.. it is in the nature of the system to be abnormal, because if we had a society geared to meet human needs.. would we be destroying the Earth through climate change? Would we be putting extra burden on certain minority people? Would we be selling people a lot of goods that they don’t need, and, in fact, are harmful for them? Would there be mass industries based on manufacturing, designing and mass-marketing toxic food to people?…
 
As we look upon some of the massive problems facing humanity today, it is easy to lose hope, including the devastating loss of life in Ukraine, Gaza, Myanmar and many other countries; mass third world hunger and destitution; the growing inequality and poverty in western nations created by poor wages; the rising cost of food, energy and housing prices; the ecological crisis threatening our very future on the planet and already eroding our lands and oceans; the growing wealth of a minority at the expense of the majority; the duplicitous and dishonest politics we have seen paraded before us, and many, many more issues. Gabor Mate would point to the need for us to compassionately de-traumatise our world. He would suggest that we treat ourselves and others with compassion, and to firmly, but compassionately, hold accountable those in positions of power and privilege who exploit the world for selfish ends. With compassion we can heal. With compassion we can create narratives about ourselves and others – especially those whom we might judge as being “failures” “losers” “idiots”- and recognise our common humanity. We can appreciate that life is hard for us all and that we cannot know what it is like to walk in the shoes of another person.

We Are Light

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Holy Spirit of Creation, Save us

There is light that is more luminous than billions of stars. This light resides deep within our consciousness, but remains largely unseen in this universe because the egos eyes cannot comprehend it. The light is manifest in this world through the giving and receiving of love and compassion. These radiate our true luminous nature into the dreamland of separation. These rays warm and heal others. When we clean the faeces of a dependent other who can no longer manage their dignity; when we listen deeply, very deeply, to a hurting other, and try not to judge or fix them; when we notice the struggle of another person and acknowledge that we have noticed, from a place of genuine compassion; these are the rays from the inner light, which creates heaven on earth. The breaking through of Heavens love into a world of fear, scarcity and separation is the greatest miracle on earth. This world, although not created by God, receives divine creative goodness through us. The bad dreams of this world such as war, grasping, tribalism, insularism, nationalism and projection are not Gods dream, and though unreal, cause us nightmares of suffering. Love is our nature. Love is our origin. When we return to love we return to our true nature.

St Francis of Assisi ~ Being of Light

In a few days we celebrate the feast of St Francis of Assisi. Francis exuded light. He was consciously united with Eternal Light and this light shone on all whom he encountered. This Divine Light dwells within each one of us, and which is our deepest true self (but which is dormant in most of us). He was a mystic, healer, teacher, Bodhisattva and a dear father to the despised and disposable of his society. Francis is an icon of our own journey towards illumination. He is a pointer to our spiritual awakening. When we heal from our internal fear, judgment, harshness and violent self-criticism and embrace simplicity of heart we strip away the ego and superego, and fear-based defences such as cynicism, pessimism, chauvinism and narcissism. When we become light we warm and illuminate the lives of others. Francis can be a dear companion to us on the journey, gently helping us to deconstruct the unreal to reveal the real. Allow him to draw close to you.

Infinity Can Transform Us

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Dr Iya Whiteley is a Space Psychologist & Director for the Centre for Space Medicine, at University College London. She works with the psychological needs of astronauts who must to acclimatise to the strange environment of space for long stretches of time. She described to author, Dr Diana Pasluka, how most astronauts who for the first time look down upon the Earth from space, experience major ontological disequilibrium. Seeing the Earth as a big blue marble floating in the vastness of infinite, limitless space, is not a neutral experience. It has a powerful impact on the mind. Often, the astronauts need psychological support to integrate the experience (so profound that it is). Seeing the Earth like this often changes the consciousness of the astronaut … expansively. It creates a sort of cosmic awe that permeates into the ideas, beliefs and perceptions of the astronaut. And how could it not have such an effect? The cosmos has so much potential to transform us. Our minds and capacity to imagine are such a wonderful gift

The Energy of Violence

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The pages of Twitter and Facebook have swelled with bile concerning the current Middle East crisis. Twitter especially is a toxic swamp. The grandstanding, often accompanied by ad hominem comments, misses the fact that human beings have, and are, dying horribly. Too many lives – Israeli and Palestinian – have been destroyed already. This alone should render us, stunned and speechless. The same is happening in Ukraine and elsewhere; innocent bloodshed, and for what??
 
We are now in the third decade of the 21st century and humanity still has not learned that warfare and violence is folly. Our governments perpetuate war and the Arms Trade grows fatter and fatter through war, whilst lives are ripped apart. There is nothing to debate about. There is nothing to argue about. But there is so much to weep about. Those who want to debate online would do well to go and spend a day in Gaza or Yemen and experience the horror and terror of air raids, and then come back to Twitter to describe their thoughts.
 
Pope Francis said:
 
“War is the suicide of humanity because it kills the heart and kills love”. He says: “Wars shatter so many lives. I think especially of children robbed of their childhood”.
 
Thich Nhat Hanh said:
 
“…To prepare for war, to give millions of men and women the opportunity to practice killing day and night in their hearts, is to plant millions of seeds of violence, anger, frustration and fear that will be passed on for generations to come…”
 
Thich Nhat Hanh wisely advises
 
“…If we are at war with our parents, our family, our society, or our church, there is probably a war going on inside us also, so the most basic work for peace is to return to ourselves and create harmony among the elements within us – our feelings, our perceptions, and our mental states…”
 
This latter point is fundamental. When we work at our own inner peace we change the external world too. War creates a living energy that once created, takes on a life of its own. Our miscreations have volition and power. The psychic energy of hatred and violence does not dissipate.
 
There are mystic souls on earth who for the sake of others, absorb and mitigate the toxic energy of hatred. Our world would have been destroyed long ago without these souls. But love is an energy too. It doesn’t reside in the left hemisphere of the brain. It emerges from the intelligence of the heart. We can be love creators. We can be emissaries of light. We can get angry, but anger driven by love, not ego.
 
I found this prayer online. It will be my mantra:
 
Let peace fill our hearts, our world and our universe. Let us dream together, pray together and work together, To build one world of peace and justice for all

I will not judge

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We are a fractured, fragmented and dysfunctional humanity in many ways. We are also an incredibly good, compassionate and creative species. We oscillate between these. Our global history bears witness to this. Most of us don’t intend to cause harm, but we do. Some of us have been twisted into narcissism by destructive formative experiences. We are all stunted in our emotional and moral development. Our evolutionary brains and emotional systems are prone to reactivity and problematic dis-regulation, especially after trauma or childhood attachment wounds.
 
We also project our pain onto others because our fragile ego identities can’t bear guilt and shame. We have been trained by our societies to be shame prone so that we conform and obey. But we also have divinity hidden behind these false selves that we buried out of existence in an ancient existence. Because our true selves are not these egoic identities (whom we believe we are) the divine impulse within us propel us towards conscious evolution.
 
Who we truly are is not these identities (including Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin). We are not our false identities. Our true nature wants to transform us. Whilst we continue to be drawn into polarisation, hatreds, projections and unforgiveness, we perpetuate our own and others suffering.
 
I will try not judge the lives of politicians, royals, co-workers or celebrities. Why? Because when I judge these, I judge myself. We are all one. I am responsible for the transformation of my shadow. The hurt I have caused to others in the past and the micro aggression that I create now, are my responsibility to heal. Whilst I fixate on the moral failure of others and project my own guilt onto them, I keep this disordered world from healing.
 
People are capable of messing up, causing pain and thus leave suffering behind them. Jesus warned us not to judge for very good reasons. Judgement perpetuates suffering and keeps us locked into this dualistic world. We have all hurt people and caused harm. Whilst we avoid healing ourselves by looking at the sins of others, we continue to suffer. Be merciful as we desire mercy. You and I are not the same person we were 30 years ago.

My deepest hope for you

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My deepest hope for you dear reader is that you experience a sense of deep, deep joy and unconditional loving belonging. I hope you will enjoy true peace that surpasses all understanding.
 
If you struggle with physical and/or emotional pain or even the searing pain of trauma, I hope for you to experience healing alleviation from this suffering.
 
If you are grieving I hope you will find consolation and holding
 
If you are a parent struggling with a child in difficult times, I hope your child feels the tenderness of God embracing their struggling hearts and that you as a parent know that you are enough and more
 
If rejection and humiliation have been a part of your life I hope you experience trustworthy others, inclusion and affirmation.
 
If you struggle with finances or don’t have a secure home, or employment, my hope for you is that you will be guided to locate and access these resources to help restabilises your life
 
If you have no decent and trustworthy friends I hope these are part of your life soon
 
So join me in this prayer especially for you:
 
🌹Beloved, transcendent and compassionate Creator, who is always within us. We love you. May we truly experience that we are held safe in your abundant, boundless, love; and sustained by your limitless grace.
🌹Help our struggling hearts and minds to know how to navigate ourselves through this broken and difficult World. May we know beyond doubt that we are absolutely and unconditionally, loved by You.
🌹Let fear and separation dissolve within us.
🌹Teach us to love. Teach us to empathise. Teach us to be compassionate. Let us absorb deep inside what Jesus said of God: “what father offers their child a serpent if they ask for a fish, or a stone if they ask for bread?”.
🌹Help us to be kind Mothers and Fathers of all living beings and all nature and especially our Mother, the planet.
🌹Cleanse human hearts and minds of sociopathy, narcissism, aggression and paranoia.
May the Christ within us guide us always
🌹Amen 🌹🌈

30 May 2023 ~ Remembrance of St Joan of Arc.

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During the rise of the terrorist movement ISIS over a decade ago, the world was horrified by their cruel medieval butchery displayed in barbaric live streamed executions. These executions included burning people alive and hacking off heads. The horror stories of ISIS are the same horror stories of the past as seen in the crusades, the extermination of the Cathars and the witch trials of Salem. Religious men, obsessed with power and privilege; driven by sadism; devoid of mercy, and willing to do the unthinkable to satisfy their depraved egos.
 
Joan of Arc suffered a similarly horrific end to her young life as did the victims of ISIS. Religious institutions tend to have histories of persecuting mystics, especially women mystics. Hildegarde of Bingen had a narrow escape. Theresa of Avila knew she risked the inquisition if she were not careful. Burning people alive was a terrifying display of absolute power that made people afraid to question and act with compliance. The deluded men of finery have gone to terrible lengths to control and create compliance.
Joan was not prepared to relinquish the autonomy of her mysticism to the religious judiciary of her time. She was not intimidated by the threat of fire. Her direct experience of the divine voice was utterly real to her and as natural to her as breathing. Mystics terrify religious gatekeepers. The mystic is communing with true power without the mediation of the religious gatekeeper. The mystic reminds people that the divine life dwells within them too, and can be accessed without intermediaries.
 
The gift that St Joan can offer us today is to remind us that we are all mystics in potential. We are emanations of Our Source. When we realise that we are fractals of divine Source and that others are too, we move into wonderful but dangerous territory. There are some who feel threatened by the autonomy of the mystic. Some will say to you that you are dancing with the devil, disobedient and in danger of hell. They said the same to Joan. But she did not allow them to control her conscience. And you don’t have to either

The Power of Devotion and Human Consciousness

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In Mahayana Buddhism there are beautiful devotions to maternal, compassionate, deities. These deities are not actual gods but are representations of our true, divine, and compassionate nature, which exists beyond illusory ego identity. The ‘Tara’ is a maternal deity who represents a state of profound loving kindness. She is a maternal, compassionate being devoted to our wellbeing and wanting our emancipation from suffering. Through devotion to this representation of compassionate nature the practitioner seeks to become like this being.
 
In the Christian tradition, the Blessed Mother, Mary, is a representation of compassionate loving kindness. The compassionate mother gave the Christ to the world through generously and courageously conceiving, birthing and caring for Jesus. In Jesus, the Christ nature was fully realised. She represents qualities such as love, trust, faith, humility, courage, wisdom and deep compassion for the poor and disenfranchised. Devotion to Mary calls the practitioner into a higher state of consciousness, calling forth the Christ nature dwelling within us. Similarly devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, is likewise is a devotional symbol of conscious transformation. By seeking the divine presence in our own hearts we seek to become tender hearted, and dilate our hearts to encompass all suffering creatures

Our Fears, Prejudices and Defences vs Compassionate Transformation

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Self knowledge is one aspect of human transformation. Integration is the significant next step beyond self knowledge (i.e., integrating insights of self knowledge into the psyche). The psychology of compassion is hugely important with safely facing our shadow material, including our rigid defence mechanisms which often become intertwined with our biases and prejudices.
The activation of our fight and fight system (which is in located in our primitive, reptilian brain) causes a flood of stress hormones such as cortisol into our system. Cortisol helps to narrow our cognitive capacities in relation to our prejudices, fears and defences. These defences often come into being to protect ego fragility and so changing them is a process beyond just knowing them.
We can get stuck in defensive loops which cause suffering. Usually the creation of such responses are not our fault. Changing these loops often needs gentle work. Helping ourselves or others with understanding our prejudices is potentially confrontational for people attached to their beliefs.
 
The work of clinical psychologist, Paul Gilbert is helpful here. He developed a psychological approach to human transformation which is gentle but deep in developing the our ability to recognise suffering in ourselves and in others and to respond to this suffering.
 
Compassion can be a good basis for growth in awareness and healing.
 
There are three flows of compassion which can help us to loosen our reactive, polarised mindsets and integrate new perspectives. There is:
 
(1) compassion from self to others
(2) from others to self and
(3) from self to self.
 
These three pro social and soothing qualities are linked to our mammalian evolutionary capacities for warmth, caring, nurturing and relating.
 
Dr Paul Gilbert (Compassion Focused Therapy), Dr Gabor Mate (expert in attachment based healing for adults carrying childhood wounds) and the work of Karen Armstrong’s work with ‘the Charter for Compassion’ are excellent sources for considering the role and potential of compassion in transforming ourselves and our perception of the world 🌎